The update notes are in…
- Necromancers casting resurrection must recite the incant backwards in proper demonic fashion
- Standard battle game timers have been reduced to 60 minutes
- Reeves are now required to carry a bow into the battlefield and may return arrows that hit them to players at maximum velocity with poison weapon
- Bards are now forbidden from using Ed Sheeran songs. Caveat: songs with Ed Sheeran features are allowed, but are on thin ice.
- Wizards using any spell balls from a pouch must now exclusively refer to it as their Ballsack
- Assassins are now forbidden to wear any black in their garb at all
- Players who appropriately roleplay their death on the field have a half time resurrection timer
- Goblins must take all opportunities to attempt to sell things to other players
- New spell reserved for Knights: Sherezade. When cast, you and the target enter a subgame of Amtgard in a duel and the main game is paused until this duel is resolved. This spell is banned in Commander.
- Scouts playing the Hunter archetype are required to wear high visibility orange or yellow neon on the field. For safety.
- Goblins are required to collect all projectiles and equipment on the field and hoard them. They cannot use them.
- Mend may now be used to also fix a broken heart.
- Druids have been removed from the game for balance.
- Wizards playing the Warlock archetype must now wear capes and are required to monologue if they face a single opponent alone.
- Anti-Paladins must now wear an appropriate amount of eyeliner on the field.
- Warriors must now be swift as a coursing river.
- Archers are now required to carry a sidearm for when they run out of arrows.
- Druids playing the Summoner archetype must now begin their enchantment incants with “I choose you!”
- Sidearm, a new weapon type, has been added, it is defined as a mannequin’s left arm.
- Barbarians are now considered bloodied at half hit points and are mandated to take anger management courses to enter play.
- Bards may now roll to seduce enemy players.
- Field legal lightsabers are now referred to as “lightswords” to avoid copyright lawsuit.
- Players who are in a polycule together are now required to be on the same team, but their levels will be capped at the amount of levels they have together in their highest class divided by the number of players in the polycule then multiplied by pi and then divided again by the amount of arguments that have happened this week among members. And only if their schedules allow.
- Players who bring food to the park are now immune to damage.
- Players casting the Finger of Death spell may never do so lewdly.
- Scouts playing the Hunter archetype may now exchange all their skills for one pet warrior, resurrecting at them as per Hart of the Swarm. The pet may only bark and growl.
- The Unicorn monster type is now able to be mounted by other players and ridden into battle.
- Sword Knights are only allowed to play peasant and must try to start games off to the side of the field. They will only join the currently winning team.
- Bards may now use interpretive dance to cast their spells instead of song.
- Healers may now use hand puppets to cast their spells. The incants and effects remain the same.
- All Knightly regalia is now optional and may be worn on the field but incurs no additional bonuses.
- Gamerunners may now disallow Moss on the field, for safety.
- Spell balls must have a tail of 6”. Furries must have a tail of 22”.
- Players may now take a voluntary death to grab an energy drink or Gatorade and receive a full Refresh as long as they give one to the Reeve as well.
- The Elf monster type are now required to tell you how many hundreds of years old they are before play, and may only wear mithril armor.
- Scouts playing the Apex archetype must now wear a predator mask as part of their garb.
- Players affected by Protection from Projectiles are now required to pass a Pro Pro Pro exam.
- Players whose Amtgard name are references to modern or known IP characters or concepts are now forbidden to recognize the existence of those IPs in roleplay.
- Players whose parents are dead in their backstory must now describe when and how they were murdered and always be seeking vengeance.
- A player struck by more than one Pinning Arrow in a game must now create a Pinterest board for themselves and their character.
- Members of Kingdom Monarchy on the battlefield may only play Peasant, so they remember what it’s like at the bottom.
- Peasants are forbidden to wear any color but shades of brown or green, and may cast “Throw Filth” at will.
- Peasant players must be ready at all times to deliver a backstory for their travel woes getting to park, with a “look the part” bonus for including an overturned cart.
- Players checking in as Color may now paint with all the colors of the wind.
- Peasants now have access to two archetypes at level 6, Farmer and Rancher. Additionally, “Mock the Nobility” is now Charge x5.
- Master Dragons participating in Dragon Master competitions may now only enter up to 7 Dragon Balls.
- Color has been renamed to fit DEI initiatives
- Spell balls that are at least 60% mud are now considered to be Entangle.
- Players who are Insubstantial may duel other players who are Insubstantial.
- Duels that happen on the field may be played using any format agreed upon by both participants.
- Paladins are now required to think they’re better than everyone, but modest enough not to say so out loud.
- A field legal bat’leth may not exceed 48” in width, and players bearing one must fight to the death for the honor of their House at all times.
- Monk’s Hands are now classified as a deadly weapon per ORS. 14.8.10 and possession of them without a permit is punishable with up to 7 years in state prison.
- Monks may now use their feet as weapons, as long as they are not wearing shoes.
- Heart of the Swarm and Hart of the Swarm are now interchangeable spells.
- Players who bring loaner weapons to park are immune to hits from those weapons.
- Any battlegame with more than 5 Peasants on the field will now be classified as an Uprising, and Kingdom Monarchy is obligated to be on the opposing team.
- Dueling players are required to name a second for their duel. The seconds have no responsibilities. The Duelists may pick any name except Doug.
- Players are now able to bring legal representation to any rules argument on the field, but may only do so if they are considered Dues Paid.
- All references to out–of-game materials and concepts are now to be done in-character, i.e. “Thy ORK requires updates, m’lord.”
- Rules Lawyers must now prove 4 years of extensive training and pass the bar exam.
- All Martial classes are now permitted to use florentine shields.
- Heavy Thrown projectiles are now limited as to not include atlatls.
- Sheleighleigh has been added as a spell for Druids.
- Players may now “Loot” the corpses of dead combatants for throwies, spell balls, spell strips, or any other worn gear and equipment.
- Peasants may only use thrown weapons shaped like rocks or fruit.
- Paladins wearing armor must keep it spotless and in good repair, or it loses its luster. It can only be polished with the tears of Knights who remember the good old days.
- Players with over 20 years of play in the game may now cast spells from their armchair on the side of the battlefield. These spells have no effect.
- Players who have not attended a park day in over a year are only able to cast Insult and only via Facebook.
- Players with one red card violation are subject to 2 minutes in the penalty box. Players with two yellow card violations are subject to 2 minutes in the penalty box.
- Duels between players may be settled using rock paper scissors.
- Golden Splaunders are now considered the coin of the realm.
- If a player’s boots are sufficiently cool, they may declare one free Blessing against Wounds per battlegame. All players on the field must agree to the coolness level of said boots.
- Minors playing in a battlegame with the permission of the Reeves are now considered to be volatile and Wounds Kill by touch range.
- Amtgard players named after animals must now dress as their animal at park.
- Undead Minions are now required to wear full zombie or skeleton face makeup and may make unlimited bone jokes.
- Duels may be fought using beyblades.
- Players who have voted on any Kingdom ballot in the last six months are permitted to complain about the results of any motion or election, but are limited to one complaint per event.
- Players exhibiting poor roleplay on the field are subject to yellow cards.
- Players may now substitute laughter for Heal on the battlefield.
- Wizards who entirely empty their Ballsack on the field may now cast Stop Time to collect them before gameplay resumes.
- The Kingdom Monarch may now award titles of their choosing to members of the populace, so long as they are not existing Amtgard titles or exist in any other game or IP, ever, anywhere.
- Players who earn more than the limit of bonus credits in a month are now required to do an apology tour across the Kingdom for every credit they were over the limit.
- Roche automatically wins all duels using rock paper scissors as the format.
- Colorblind players are now automatically placed onto team polka dots.
- All spells are now considered charge x50.
- Monks that have achieved Nirvana may ignore the battlefield entirely.
- Assassinate targets may now have their deaths investigated by either Inspector Clouseau or Benoit Blanc.
- Peasants who hold hands now gain one point of armor per peasant in the chain.
- The enchantment Ward Self is now available to all classes except Wizard at a frequency of 1/Life.
- Players who have a Class at level 6 may now acquire a Reverse Mortgage and sell their levels back to the Kingdom at a rate of 1 Golden Splaunder per credit.
- Warriors now receive a +1 everywhere armor bonus if they sing any death metal on the field during play.
- The Dwarf monster class receives Mend 2x/Life if they specifically sing Dwarven metal songs on the field during play. They also receive a +1 armor bonus to their torso if they have a beard.
- Barbarians are now required to be working on themselves, and it’s okay to be a work in progress.
- Bards are now required to sing “Toss a coin to your Witcher” once per battlegame.
- Anti-Paladins are now able to exchange their immunity to fire with ice, but only if they’re single.
- Archers may now wear a Robin Hood style bycocket hat instead of an orange sash on the field, but must also wear it with hose leggings.
- Druids who receive a leg wound may now post as a tree, and receive double bonus from Barkskin, but are considered to have resting birch face.
- All players under 5’4” tall are now considered snackrifices. Players between 5’4 and 5’6 who are in Monarchy are to be referred to as “Pocket Princes,” whereas 5’6-5’10 monarchy shall be ”Mid-height Majesties”
- Bards may now have a pet Scout in exchange for all their level 5 and 6 spells. The Scout must be edgy and brooding.
- Wizards who speak entirely in Shakespearian English are now equipped with a Theater Degree and a Superiority Complex.
- All players who read and understand these patch notes in their entirety are unable to buy more than 8 points in Intelligence.
- Battlegames are no longer allowed to be longer than 45 minutes due to budget constraints.
- Players in the penalty box may duel other players in the penalty box.
- Meta-Magic spells can now be refreshed by consuming one sandwich on the battlefield.
- Healers can now replace Heal by placing one Spiderman or Disney Princess bandaid on the target player with the number of Heals based on how many bandaids are in the box.
- Paragons who improperly recite an incant for a class they are a Paragon of are subject to an immediate red card and 2 minutes in the penalty box.
- Use of a vape on the battlefield must be referred to as “imbibing a mana potion.” This does not affect the game. If Rook asks you to “hit your vape,” you must comply. Afterwards, it is destroyed.
- Removed Sharkfist. He knows what he did.
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS!!!1!!
– Emmering Rook, KPM